22 Weeks

Okay, I admit it. I'm scared. I truly am. I'm petrified. I'm practically paralyzed at the thought of having to REGISTER for baby items, let alone having to RAISE A CHILD!

Sometime in the next week or so I have to go pick out all the stuff we need to have in the house before the baby even gets here. Here's just a snippet of the list from Consumer Reports:

Car Seat
Stroller
Crib
Crib Mattress
Bassinet
Crib Sheets
Receiving Blankets
Mattress Pads
Waterproof Liners for the Crib
Diapers
Diaper Pail
Diaper Bag

We're not even a quarter through the list, but I thought this was a good time to pause to let you know that even within this list there are hundreds of decisions to make. Like with diapers for instance. I want to start this kid off right in the world. I want him to know that I care about the Earth and what state it's in for him and his kids and his kids' kids. So, I'm considering cloth diapers for at least half the time. Meaning cloth diapers at home, disposable diapers when we're out. But I DON'T KNOW! I still have to do a TON OF RESEARCH on this one item out of hundreds that we need. At least Huell Howser already did a show about a diaper service that still exists in Los Angeles... So I know where to get them if I want them.

I spent a couple of hours today reading about cribs. Did you know that the slats should not be big enough for a soda can to slide through? I'm supposed to bring a SODA CAN with me to shop for a crib! And I'm not even allowed to DRINK soda right now!! The mattress in the crib should also not be more than two fingers width away from the sides of the crib. These are things a new mother is supposed to know.

More of the list:
Four Sleeping Outfits or Onesies
Six Side-Snap Tees
Four to Six One-Piece Undershirts that Snap Around the Crotch
A Small Baby Cap
Six Pairs of Sox/Booties
Nursing Bras
Breast Pads
Breast Pump
Baby Bottles
Bottle Drying Tree
bottle Brush
Burp Cloths

It goes on and on.

Now, I am well aware that I am not the first mother ever. I am also well aware that many women are armed with hardly any information and they do just fine. I may be arming myself with just enough info to make myself crazy!! But, the truth is I feel overwhelmed. I just feel like I could never know all the stuff I'm supposed to know.

And I'm just using the baby items as a metaphor for what I'm really feeling. There is going to be a child in this house. And he is going to completely depend on us for EVERYTHING for a while. And that is big. That is bigger than anything I've ever had to think about. And he's going to be here before we know it.

I just want to be good at this. I'm in awe of all the women who make it look so easy. How are pregnant women not walking around looking TERRIFIED? I feel like I want to hug every pregnant woman I see and say, "Are you as scared as I am? Don't you feel like you are in way over your head?" But then someone in a black trench coat a la "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" would probably come out from behind a tree and whisper in my ear that he could take my baby if I'm too scared. I'm not THAT scared.

Here's what I hope: That I make my kid feel safe without feeling smothered. That I make my kid laugh. That he wants to talk to me about stuff he may be embarrassed about. That I don't turn into a total wreck when he scrapes his knee and I see blood for the first time. That my husband and I can remain best friends and lovers. That my kid thinks I'm a great cook and wants his friends to come over for dinner. That we're the "Cool House" where everyone wants to come after school.

That I can do this as well as my parents did.

Heck, I just hope I can get to the actual birth without having a nervous breakdown. I'm scared. But it's only because this is the biggest thing ever. And I want to do it well. I will, right? Right. Thanks for the support.