November 15th, 2008
I officially finished breast feeding two days ago and I feel a profound sadness that I can't really explain. But I guess I'll try.
I'm sad because I know I'll never hold Garrett that way again for the sole reason of nourishing him. I'm sad because I know there is another phase that has ended and he's even one step closer to growing up. There are so many rewards to this whole parenting thing but I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that there are so many hurts... And I know I have barely scratched the surface.
I still look at him every day in wonder. I can't believe he's my son. And the changes that are taking place daily are truly breathtaking and they're happening so quickly, I feel like I can't keep up.
Last night he said, "Night, Night" when I put him to bed. Today he said "Nana" whenever he wanted a piece of banana at lunch. He's walking faster and exploring more. He's so beautiful that my heart tears at the seams a little every day.
I'm sitting here crying as I write this and I can't really even tell you why. I just have never felt these things before. It's like the beautiful pain you feel when you're a teenager and you feel like you have so much inside that you want to get out but you don't know how. You know that kind of pain that makes you realize you're alive? As you get older you don't need that pain to know you're alive because you have a lot of other indicators: Love, Marriage, Vacations, Wrinkles, Aches, Bills, Obligations...
But having a kid is a kind of rebirth of that sort of beautiful pain. I don't know how else to put it.
The morning feeding has been replaced with our gorgeous walks outside. And I am so grateful to have something like that to look forward to every day. But I'd be a liar if I didn't tell you that I do feel sad. That's all. I know I won't feel this way for too long. I Just needed to get that out.
I'm sad because I know I'll never hold Garrett that way again for the sole reason of nourishing him. I'm sad because I know there is another phase that has ended and he's even one step closer to growing up. There are so many rewards to this whole parenting thing but I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that there are so many hurts... And I know I have barely scratched the surface.
I still look at him every day in wonder. I can't believe he's my son. And the changes that are taking place daily are truly breathtaking and they're happening so quickly, I feel like I can't keep up.
Last night he said, "Night, Night" when I put him to bed. Today he said "Nana" whenever he wanted a piece of banana at lunch. He's walking faster and exploring more. He's so beautiful that my heart tears at the seams a little every day.
I'm sitting here crying as I write this and I can't really even tell you why. I just have never felt these things before. It's like the beautiful pain you feel when you're a teenager and you feel like you have so much inside that you want to get out but you don't know how. You know that kind of pain that makes you realize you're alive? As you get older you don't need that pain to know you're alive because you have a lot of other indicators: Love, Marriage, Vacations, Wrinkles, Aches, Bills, Obligations...
But having a kid is a kind of rebirth of that sort of beautiful pain. I don't know how else to put it.
The morning feeding has been replaced with our gorgeous walks outside. And I am so grateful to have something like that to look forward to every day. But I'd be a liar if I didn't tell you that I do feel sad. That's all. I know I won't feel this way for too long. I Just needed to get that out.
posted by Lisa at 8:42 PM
3 Comments:
Geez. Now you're gettin' ME goin'.
Listen, I'm a guy and I don't know what it's like to breast feed a child. But you REALLY helped me to know what it feels like when that breast feeding experience comes to an end. Not easy with mere words.
Thanks for the cry and for once again expressing exactly what I'm feeling lately!
Isn't it amazing how our love for our children crystalizes our view of what in life is really and truly beautiful?
The ache you are feeling is real enough and closes the circle of understanding between Mothers the world around, and the generations who have come before.
Breathe it in, giving thanks to whatever energy in the universe makes it possible to experience such joy.
Children are, after all, the keepers of the miracles! Love, AL
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