35 Weeks
I just had a very surreal experience. I did voice over for a "Reel Comedy" that's going to air on Comedy Central at the end of this month. I got to watch most of the episode that I shot over a year ago. There I was, the old me. I was just "Lisa". I was thin (I recognize that now!!), and I was interviewing the stars of the movie "Balls of Fury". It's a really funny episode. There I was doing the creative thing I love to do most: Being myself in front of a camera.
We are all defined as different things at different points in our lives, even if we're not aware of it. We're toddlers, teens, high-school graduates, painters, accountants, we're "artistic", or "good with numbers". I was usually defined as "mature", or "a really good writer for my age", or "a procrastinator". I've even been "a great waitress", "an early developer", and "the honest one".
For the last 35 weeks, I've been "pregnant". That's it. I'm "the pregnant one". It's fun being "the pregnant one" because people give you a lot of advice, they ask you a lot of questions, they touch your belly, they get you a chair, they get you a lemonade. People are immensely helpful and excited for you. You get all this amazing energy from everyone and it makes the pregnancy an even more beautiful thing. But it does define you. It can't help but define you because it's characterized by a giant bump that precedes you everywhere.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I'm going to be perceived once I'm "Mom". There's no getting around it. I can lose all the weight, I can continue to work (Please God), I can find time to sleep and put on makeup... But I will be "Mom" no matter what. Even if I'm feeling super young and cute, I'll be pushing a stroller in front of me. That's unmistakable.
I'm nervous about this perception. I'm probably most nervous of how I'll perceive myself. Will I still be Lisa? Will I still be me? Will I remember the things I love to do? Will I still write? Will I still care about how I look? Will I still be good at paying the bills, doing errands... Will I still want to cook? Will I still love to bake? Will I still be funny? Or will I just be "Mom"?
I have to say, it worries me. Believe me, I am so excited about this new role. Yes, it has finally reached that point. I am looking forward to Sesame being out of the womb and into my arms. So is Russ. We are ready. But I'm not ready to give up me. I desperately want to be able to stay who I am and still be a great mom. I hope it's possible.
I've already promised Russ I would work hard to be the wife I want to be, and have been for the past seven years. And you know what? Being "Wife" never cramped my style. As a matter of fact, it made me feel more like myself than I had ever felt... I was the Lisa I always wanted to be. Maybe being "Mom" will do the same thing for me. Maybe I'll be the best "Lisa" yet.
161.4 pounds this morning and pretty nauseous. Five weeks until I'm "Mom". I can do this.
We are all defined as different things at different points in our lives, even if we're not aware of it. We're toddlers, teens, high-school graduates, painters, accountants, we're "artistic", or "good with numbers". I was usually defined as "mature", or "a really good writer for my age", or "a procrastinator". I've even been "a great waitress", "an early developer", and "the honest one".
For the last 35 weeks, I've been "pregnant". That's it. I'm "the pregnant one". It's fun being "the pregnant one" because people give you a lot of advice, they ask you a lot of questions, they touch your belly, they get you a chair, they get you a lemonade. People are immensely helpful and excited for you. You get all this amazing energy from everyone and it makes the pregnancy an even more beautiful thing. But it does define you. It can't help but define you because it's characterized by a giant bump that precedes you everywhere.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I'm going to be perceived once I'm "Mom". There's no getting around it. I can lose all the weight, I can continue to work (Please God), I can find time to sleep and put on makeup... But I will be "Mom" no matter what. Even if I'm feeling super young and cute, I'll be pushing a stroller in front of me. That's unmistakable.
I'm nervous about this perception. I'm probably most nervous of how I'll perceive myself. Will I still be Lisa? Will I still be me? Will I remember the things I love to do? Will I still write? Will I still care about how I look? Will I still be good at paying the bills, doing errands... Will I still want to cook? Will I still love to bake? Will I still be funny? Or will I just be "Mom"?
I have to say, it worries me. Believe me, I am so excited about this new role. Yes, it has finally reached that point. I am looking forward to Sesame being out of the womb and into my arms. So is Russ. We are ready. But I'm not ready to give up me. I desperately want to be able to stay who I am and still be a great mom. I hope it's possible.
I've already promised Russ I would work hard to be the wife I want to be, and have been for the past seven years. And you know what? Being "Wife" never cramped my style. As a matter of fact, it made me feel more like myself than I had ever felt... I was the Lisa I always wanted to be. Maybe being "Mom" will do the same thing for me. Maybe I'll be the best "Lisa" yet.
161.4 pounds this morning and pretty nauseous. Five weeks until I'm "Mom". I can do this.
posted by Lisa at 1:43 PM
6 Comments:
Let's just say a residue has, um, formed in my eyes.
My favorite entry thus far.
Lisa, I can't remember if I've ever actually commented on your blog, or just on your MySpace page...or maybe I've just left messages to you on Max's MySpace page. ANYWAY. If I haven't said it before--you're such a good writer. Period. I love reading your blog.
Second? I'm crying too. Or whatever it is that Max is doing.
~carrie
Carrie-You have not commented in the past and I love that you did just now! Thank you.
I don't think Max was crying... I think he leaks a dark, gelatinous substance from his eyes that forms into little crystals that he makes into skull rings in his basement. If he had a basement. So it's really in his office.
AHAHAHAHHAHA!!! DUDE! Skull rings in his basement. CLASSIC.
Hoo-boy. :)
Not to worry. It is the great myth of parenting to which you refer. It is only in the perception of (mostly childless) others that you might "change" from being "you," and that's mostly just their rationalization of why they aren't seeing as much of you.
Besides, soon the only person for who you will give two poops about how you are perceived will be that amazing little dude looking up at you. And all you have to do is be the you you always have been, and for him that will be Mom, and she will be perfect.
Whoever wrote this anonymous comment... Wow. That just blew me away. Thank you.
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