November 30th, 2008

It occurred to me tonight that it's a miracle that any of us are okay. I mean, it's a testament to the strength of the human spirit that we don't just shoot ourselves before we're fifteen.

There was a baby on the plane today. Oh, I'm in New York, but that's neither here nor there. Well, it's there. But that's another story. So, there was a baby on the plane. A beautiful six-month-old baby. And everyone, including myself, was cooing over this baby. My questions were rapid: "What's her name?" "Has she flown before?" "Is she sleeping through the night?" Then, "I have a 14-month-old. His name is Garrett. This is the first time I've ever left him. Blah blah blah blah blah." But that's not the point.

The point is, I was just one of many people who stopped to look at this baby and tell her she was beautiful and coo and ooh and aah. That's what happens to babies.

Later, at baggage claim, I saw another beautiful little girl. She was about four and she was very cute. But the urge to ask all about her was not there. No one was really looking at her except for people who were a tad annoyed or afraid she was going to run into their legs or touch their luggage.

That's when it hit me. After you're a baby, you're totally on your own. You've gotta do amazing or interesting things to get people's attention because "just being a person" isn't enough. Doesn't that suck? I mean isn't that just a bitch?

At the beginning, all you have to do to get love and attention is just... Be. Any time after that you have to be... Something.

So how do we get through that? It's like we're born famous, and then we start all over again as nobody. I guess it doesn't kill us because we don't remember being babies. If we did, we'd feel like total losers by the time we were seven. God works in mysterious ways.

November 15th, 2008

I officially finished breast feeding two days ago and I feel a profound sadness that I can't really explain. But I guess I'll try.

I'm sad because I know I'll never hold Garrett that way again for the sole reason of nourishing him. I'm sad because I know there is another phase that has ended and he's even one step closer to growing up. There are so many rewards to this whole parenting thing but I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that there are so many hurts... And I know I have barely scratched the surface.

I still look at him every day in wonder. I can't believe he's my son. And the changes that are taking place daily are truly breathtaking and they're happening so quickly, I feel like I can't keep up.

Last night he said, "Night, Night" when I put him to bed. Today he said "Nana" whenever he wanted a piece of banana at lunch. He's walking faster and exploring more. He's so beautiful that my heart tears at the seams a little every day.

I'm sitting here crying as I write this and I can't really even tell you why. I just have never felt these things before. It's like the beautiful pain you feel when you're a teenager and you feel like you have so much inside that you want to get out but you don't know how. You know that kind of pain that makes you realize you're alive? As you get older you don't need that pain to know you're alive because you have a lot of other indicators: Love, Marriage, Vacations, Wrinkles, Aches, Bills, Obligations...

But having a kid is a kind of rebirth of that sort of beautiful pain. I don't know how else to put it.

The morning feeding has been replaced with our gorgeous walks outside. And I am so grateful to have something like that to look forward to every day. But I'd be a liar if I didn't tell you that I do feel sad. That's all. I know I won't feel this way for too long. I Just needed to get that out.

November 9th, 2008

No excuses. Sorry. My days are so full, I forget to blog until I'm actually too tired to do it. I need to stop spending 15 minutes on Facebook, and spend it here instead.

Garrett is walking. It's crazy and amazing and exhausting. He has this new sense of independence and curiosity. He laughs so much and now and it's like this new, more powerful laugh. Like, "I can walk, Lady! You are so screwed!"

Today I was a bit on the tired side after throwing a baby shower over the weekend. I really had no desire to get dressed, put on makeup, or move. But having a child will force you up off the couch if for no other reason than to give him a sense that there is something to this world, other than the inside of your house.

The incredible thing is, with a kid you need not venture very far for excitement. Just a few steps outside your front door is a whole world of... Newness.

It was crisp and chilly outside today. It felt like Fall had finally arrived and there was a slight wind. I put on Garrett's sweatshirt and shoes and we went out front. For the first time, we went for a walk with no stroller. It was short, just a few doors down, but it was spectacular. As we walked, I wished I had a video camera strapped to my forehead so I could watch it over and over again. He held my finger with his hand and took big steps, stopping to pick up a leaf for himself, and one for me. Sitting on the sidewalk occasionally to grab a stick or a rock, or put his hands in the grass. I could tell he was loving the sun and wind on his face and the way it felt to walk in those shoes.

When we got back home, I got his firetruck and brought it outside for the first time. He got in, and I pushed him around in it for a while.

The whole thing lasted about 30 minutes and then we went back inside, took off our sweatshirts and shoes, and resumed our indoor activities. I love days like today. Lazy days where the only thing to do is figure out something simple that will make Garrett happy which, in turn, makes me happy.

Once again, I am grateful and I feel so very, very blessed. I wish I could bottle this feeling and drink from it every day later on in life. And I wish I could save some for Garrett just in case he forgets how beautiful life can be.