Saturday, December 31, 2005

City of Hope Comedy Night

Here's a link to the Comedy Night I'm putting on to support City of Hope. It's an amazing cause, with amazing comedians and great raffle prizes. Everyone performing is donating their time, and every raffle prize was given generously by wonderful businesses which I will list at a later date.

I'm having a great time putting it together and I hope it's incredibly successful. It's our second one in three years, but from now on it will be an annual event. If you live in L.A., you should come!!

2005, meet 2006

I thought I'd end the year with some more "Things That Seem Obvious" as well as some random thoughts and favorites from 2005.

A Couple of Things That Seem Obvious:

My friend Dan taught me something on Thanksgiving: If you put a damp paper towel over something you're cooking in the microwave, it helps to heat the food as well as keep it from exploding all over the inside of the microwave. I've been doing it ever since, and it works!

My mother-in-law taught me something on Christmas: if an egg sinks in a glass of water, it's a good egg. If it floats, throw it out! She grew up on a farm and doesn't pay attention to dates on packages. I'm impressed.

Flying ANYWHERE during the holidays SUCKS!!! (Especially in a prop plane).

Good friends will always be there when you need them.

Always leave emergency numbers for the people watching your house. They are imperative in case something goes wrong. The more, the better.

The older you get, the more you cherish your family and friends. The ones that stick around through the crap are the ones that were and are the truest.

Favorites from 2005: these bras are un-freaking-believable! I met the designer/manufacturer on stage at "What's My Line", and asked her to donate to the City of Hope charity event I'm doing. She was extremely generous, and now I wear her bras. They're amazing!! (And the show is great, too!)

Butta-Bing toffee. I can not say enough. The best thing I've ever tasted.

Junk Food T-Shirts. They're funny and fun and they make me happy. They're essentially tees with retro logos, like sugar cereals and stuff.

Big Kid Collectables in Sherman Oaks. This is the place to go if you're into retro. So fabulous. I can always find a gift there. This is also where I buy my Junk Food Tees.

Huell Howser. My friend Max introduced me to Huell. He's been around for more than 20 years, but I never knew. He does a bunch of shows about California. I can't describe him... He's just wonderful.

My friends' blogs. Mike Markowitz and Max Koch make me very happy when I read their blogs. They couldn't be more different, and now I can't imagine a day when they don't write something.

I'll post more favorites in future blogs.

I feel incredibly close to my friends this year. It seems impossible to be this lucky. It was a busy year for everyone I know, and we all managed to stay in touch and keep each other updated. My husband, my parents, my friends... We all stuck it out and are closer for it. I'll cherish the "catch-up" days I had with all of them.

I am so grateful for so many things that I won't bore you with here. I hope that 2006 brings so much happiness to all of you reading this. (Unless you're an evil asshole. If that's the case, I hope 2006 sees you changing your ways, or gets you a loogy in your soup at the deli.)

I am going to try to make 2006 a productive, happy, less-stressed, more-fun kind of year. 2005 was pretty damn great, but I'm going to make 2006 even better!

Thank you to anyone who has read my blog this year. I am enjoying it more than I could even explain. I hope I have a lot more to say, and that you'll want to hear it in the coming year.

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Santa's Not the Only One With a Pot Belly

I just got back from a week in Oregon with my husband's family. It was a great holiday week and we had a wonderful time.

Now let's cut to the chase. I GAINED THREE POUNDS! Now, I know three pounds doesn't sound like much, but it is. I stood in my closet today trying to find something to wear and NOTHING fit me! I tried not to cry, but I was seriously pissed.

Unfortunately, I'm in a business where I need to be thin to work. I'll never be skinny. I don't want to be. I think Teri Hatcher was way hotter BEFORE "Desperate Housewives". But I need to take those three pounds off, plus another three before the crazy audition season starts. That's in a month.

That's all. I'm bummed. But Christmas dinner was almost worth it.

And to my friends who are reading this and saying, "You don't look like you gained any weight," you can kiss my ass, because I did. Don't believe me? Tell my jeans to fucking fit.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

My Big Rebuttal

I just read a book called Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants by Jill Soloway, and I am now a fan for life. Jill was a writer/producer on Six Feet Under and created Sit and Spin, an alternative staged-reading theatrical experience in Hollywood.

I loved the book. I love her attitude. She's sexy and funny and smart and completely female and she's amazing. And now, with all due respect, I would like to give my answer to a question she asks in the chapter entitled, "Please Don't Try to Kill Me After You Read This", which is all about her dislike of dogs. In it she begs the question, "Why do people have them... In your house...On your couches... On your beds?" She wants to know why they mean so much to us, and what they bring to our lives. (She asks all of these questions with great humor, mind you. So heed the title of the chapter, and don't try to kill her.)

You see Jill, and anyone else who's interested, dogs are the best of who we are. A really good dog lets you know when you're being an asshole, with just one look. They can make you laugh, comfort you when you cry, and humble you by shitting in the middle of a walk when you're no where near a trash can and you have to use a plastic bag as a glove and a receptacle all at once. They love you for giving them the bare minimums in life: Food, Shelter, and Love. They don't complain when you want to watch your shows, they don't fight your taste in music, and they'll sit next to you when you read a book without saying, "How's that book", over and over again.

But let me give you one example of how dogs are unfalteringly loving, patient, and kind. My grandmother Mary lived with us the last few years of her life. She loved our Golden Lab Mix, Max very much. Every day around five o'clock, Mary would pour herself a scotch on the rocks and put a handful of peanuts in a ramekin, then sit herself down in front of the T.V. to watch the news, or Wheel of Fortune.

Max would then sit right in front of Grandma's chair, a little to the left so as not to disturb her viewing of Pat Sajak and Vanna White earning millions of dollars while people bought vowels and solved puzzles. And there they would sit. Grandma shaking her glass so the ice cubes clinked and sucking peanuts out of her teeth. But you know the amazing thing? For hours, she would tickle Max on the head. Back and forth, back and forth, without a pause. For hours. And Max sat there the whole time. He never budged. He never lay down, because then Mary wouldn't be able to reach him.

And, you know what? I believe with all my heart that Max didn't do it because it felt good, or because he was waiting for a peanut to fall. I believe he did it because it was so comforting to my Grandma Mary. She needed him to sit there with her in front of Pat and Vanna. She needed to take care of someone while she drank her drink. She needed to feel needed while her teenage granddaughter was in her bedroom being dramatic about something, and her daughter and son-in-law were still at work, and her grandson was off at college and her husband was in heaven.

And that's why I will always have a dog around. Because they are always there to love you if you need it, and to let you love them if you need that more.

And by the way, Jill- My rescued boxer/mix Bogie and I saw right through your sweet ending to the chapter. We won't really believe you like dogs until you get one. But you were very right about one thing. We do project a lot of ourselves onto our dogs. And that's pretty fucked up.
But as long as we feed them, they forgive us.

And if you're not Jill, go get her book. It's awesome.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Love 'Em, Hate 'Em

I spend almost all of my day doing this in my head:
"I fucking hate people!" or "I fucking love people!"

Here are some examples:

An asshole in a fucking Honda Civic with a spoiler speeds past me in a "right turn only" lane, only to cut in front of me at the intersection.

I fucking hate people.

I'm at Vons and a "special" salesperson offers me a grape to taste and tells me I can get a whole bag for $1.99.

I fucking love people.

I call someone to ask a simple question and they talk to me like I'm an idiot.

I fucking hate people.

I'm walking Bogie, and I run into a mom and her kids from a few houses down. They give me a Christmas card inviting me to their Holiday Open House next weekend. Her little boy gives Bogie a bone.

I fucking LOVE people!

A stupid bitch on a cell phone almost crashes into me because she doesn't have the time to turn her head before she changes lanes.

I fucking hate people.

You get the idea. I really do that all freaking day. I don't know. I can't make up my mind.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I am a Werewolf

You know those movies where a guy sees a full moon and starts morphing into a werewolf? Well, that's happening to me. But, there's no full moon and I'm not turning into a hairy beast (as far as you know).

What I am turning into it seems, is a housewife circa 1950. I'll give you two examples.

I had to do a vocal imitation of Kelly Ripa on Monday afternoon. So, I TiVo'd "Live With Regis and Kelly" Monday morning. I gagged a little while setting the TiVo. I was not looking forward to seeing "Reg" and that skinny, stupid bitch who sits next to him.

Well kids, I'm here to tell you Kelly Ripa is NOT a stupid bitch!! She's endearing!! She's funny! She HYPNOTIZED me!! I was supposed to be studying her so I could do a voice match, and instead I was hanging on her every word!! I even told Russ when he got home from work, "I know why everyone loves Kelly Ripa. She's got something!" So now I like Kelly Ripa. Go ahead, make fun of me. And just TRY to keep me away from ABC every morning at nine o'clock. (After I've made oatmeal and coffee, by the way. That's right.)

Example number two: last night after three auditions all over town and a painful facial, I was exhausted. I came home, ate the food I got at Zancou Chicken and went to put the leftovers in the fridge. "What's this," I queried to myself, "These carrots we bought and never opened for Thanksgiving are going to be bad in a few days!" I GUESS THAT MEANS I HAVE TO MAKE A CARROT BREAD!!!!!!!!! That's right. I pre-heated the oven to 350, greased up a loaf pan, got my ingredients out of my TUPPERWARE, and whipped up a carrot bread. I even changed up my recipe a bit and added cream cheese and walnuts. I BAKED A BREAD SO AS NOT TO WASTE CARROTS!!!! Do you see what I'm saying here? I even made Russ take the bread to work today.

Someone strap me to a chair and leave me some scraps of food. Maybe this will pass.

I have to go bray to my Kitchenaid stand mixer now.