Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Omelet, The Priest and the Mustache

I just had the most surreal breakfast at a Mexican cafe in Miami.

I was eating alone, with a book. Which, if you ask me, is far from eating alone. It was loud because there was construction happening on the sidewalk on which the cafe sits... jack hammers and all. But it seemed the best choice for a breakfast near to the hotel. And it turned out to be a delicious breakfast: spinach, tomato and mozzarella omelet, potatoes, wheat toast and coffee. But that isn't important.

At a booth by the open window literally inches from where men in orange vests pounded the pavement, sat a boy around twelve years old and a priest. They sat on the same side of the booth, next to each other, their backs facing my back and a mirror that hung above the bar that I could watch them in. I only saw their backs, but I heard every word.

The gist was this: the boy had done something, or a series of things, wrong and the boy's mother had asked this priest to speak with him. The priest had a booming voice with which he prodded the boy into starting a new chapter of his life. "What are the effects of your behavior," he asked, waiting for a response. Then he held up a napkin. "If I let go of this napkin, it will fall. The cause is I let go. The effect is it falling. So, what is the effect of your behavior?" The kid thought for a second. "I upset my mom," he said, "And I might not get into a good school."

This kind of talk went on and on. It seriously felt like a scene from a small independent movie shot in Guatemala. "What church are you going to on Sunday," asked the priest. "Well, sometimes we go to (unintelligible) and sometimes we go to (also unintelligible)." That's not good", says Mr. Priest. "You need to tell your mom to find one church to go to every Sunday. You need that kind of consistency..."

He then continued to make all kinds of analogies and statements like, "Start doing small things better. Don't feel like you need to make any grand gestures." The kid replied, "But big things would be good." "Sure," says Priesty, "But it's more important to do a lot of good small things than one big thing done just to impress your mom. Do your homework. Do the dishes. Ask your mom what you can do around the house. Stay focused."

This guy was on a roll. And the kid was listening! Then the priest starts talking even louder, in Spanish, and I look in the mirror to see an 80-year-old woman sitting at the table. Now it REALLY looks like an idie film. The lecture stops long enough to chat with the old lady, then continues. Then all of a sudden, they're getting up to leave and now they're standing just outside the open window, still close enough and loud enough for me to hear.

I guess by this point the priest was drunk with power because the kid had been so receptive to his words. "I see you're growing a mustache," he says. "Yeah, I'm trying to," he replies. Then the priest goes on to say that the kid shouldn't believe people when they say he should shave his mustache to make it grow faster. "But, my uncle says I should," says the kid. "Don't listen to him," says the priest. "Your hair will only grow as fast as it grows and shaving it won't speed it up. It just feels thicker because it's shorter. In a month, your mustache will be thicker because it will have grown for another month. But there is nothing to suggest shaving it will help. If I punch you in the stomach, your mustache will be thicker in a month, but will it be because I punched you in the stomach? No. It'll grow whether or NOT I punch you in the stomach because you'll be a month older."

Woah. Priest Dude! Your analogies just got really awkward.

"Say hello to your grandma," he said. "Be a good kid," he said. And then they were gone.

Thank you, Miami. That was some breakfast.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Flying Solo

I am not a fan of travel. Not a big fan. I mean, sure the honeymoon was great. And I didn’t so much mind getting on a plane when I knew it was headed for a week of great sex with my husband in Hawaii. I had no idea it was going to lead to THAT MUCH sex, but I didn’t mind flying that week. I guess flying with Russ in general makes it easier, but he’s not a big fan of flight either, so it only makes it a little easier.

Occasionally I have to travel for work. It’s always a double-edged sword. The work, I’m ecstatic about. The flight makes me nauseous. Of course, they usually fly you first class for work, so it takes the edge off a little. Okay, a lot. I mean having a mimosa at 9:00 AM in your giant seat is a hell of a lot better than waiting an hour for your can of coke and sitting squished next to some other disgruntled flyer.

Regardless, stuff happens to me when I fly. I can’t sleep the night before. Last night I slept for a little under four hours. And my “schedule” gets all screwed up. You know what I mean… my “schedule”. Come on! Don’t play dumb! My pooping schedule! I get constipated and it ruins everything! You knew what I was referring to all along. You just wanted to make me say it. I get all intestinally twisted and it sucks!

And it’s not just the flying. It’s the fear I’m going to suck at the job I’ve been hired to do. It’s the saying goodbye to Russ and Bogie at 6:00 in the morning, knowing they’re both going back to sleep without me. It’s the sneezing and coughing on the plane. It’s the lack of toilet seat covers in the bathroom. It’s the thought of hanging out with people I don’t know very well for a few nights and fearing they’ll think I’m a dork. These are all the things that make my stomach tie into knots that a boy scout would envy.

But I am trying to make the best of it. I am trying to have faith in myself being funny for the camera, and faith that Russ will feed the cats and Bogie even though that’s usually my job. I’m also trying to get the fucking flight attendant to get me a cup of coffee. Oops, sorry. First class goes to my head a little.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Project Hilarious

Okay, super fast-

I was watching "Project Runway" last night. Even if you don't know the show, stick with me on this. Nick, one of the designers, lost his model to another designer and was super pissed about it because the model he inherited is a terrible walker. As the head of the design center put it, "She's like a giant marshmallow".

Well, when it came time for the runway portion of the show, Nick's new model felt she had a lot on the line and really wanted to make Nick happy. And this is what she said:

"I'm going to model really hard".

Did you see what I just wrote?

"I'm going to model really hard."

Just take that in and have a great day.

Monday, January 23, 2006

New Recipe

This is a record for me: three posts in one night.
I came up with a recipe last night that I really liked, so I'm sharing it with you.

I make taco salads all the time, but I wanted to make one without the msg-laden taco seasonings, and I wanted to use chicken, so here's what I did:

Poach chicken in chicken stock, a little Bernstein's Italian Dressing, a little Lawrey's Season Salt, and a little Garlic Powder. When it's cooked, let it cool a little bit, and shred it. (By the way, it'll be fine if you just poach it in water, too.)

Make a dressing with Bernstein's Italian Dressing, Fresh Lime Juice, cumin, salt, pepper, red pepper flakes and fresh cilantro. Let the cooked chicken marinate in the dressing for about 20 minutes.

Heat olive oil in a wok. Add an onion, cut fajita-style (sort of in long strips) and about 3 garlic cloves minced. Cook until the onions carmelize a bit then add the marinated chicken and cook until warm.

Now, here's a trick for tostada bowls that Deena taught me years ago:

Take a burrito-sized flour tortilla, and dunk it in a bowl of water that has a little olive oil in it. Let the excess water drip off the tortilla. Take an empty can (like the one you'll take the refried or black beans out of), turn it upside down, and put some foil on top of it. Lay the moist tortilla on top of that, and place the can on a foil-covered cookie sheet. Cook at 400 for about 10 minutes, and out comes a perfect tostada bowl!!

Put some refried beans in the center of your plate to anchor the bowl. Then add beans, shredded lettuce and any veggies of your choosing. I add cucumbers, olives, ortega chilies, salsa, guacamole, lite sour cream, fresh cilantro, shredded cheese, and the chicken mixture. YUMMY!!

(I kind of feel stupid for posting a recipe. But I'll act like it's the first in a series so you think it's cool.)

Well, there you go! The first of my recipe series! Hope you liked it! Let me know if you try this recipe, and if you like it. Bon Apetite!

(Did you buy it? Good.)

My Hot Husband

The incredibly talented man I married nearly six years ago has started a blog. You should go look at it. Every day. For the rest of your life. Come on... it's not like you have anything else going on.

Seriously though, he's very smart and funny and finds weird shit on the net all the time. He likes sharing the weird shit he finds. Let him share with you. Go there now.


I'm not a big "news watcher".
I don't know a lot of "stuff".
I'm what you might call, "Ignorant".

So tonight I turned on the channel 4 news to see what was going on, and here is what I gleaned:

Fred Rogan and Fritz Coleman have some kind of tanning contraptions in their homes and they both stay in them way too long.

President Bush hasn't seen "Brokeback Mountain", but he likes ranchin'.

Some guy died sky-diving and no one can find him.

Don Ho performed last night and is starting to feel stronger since surgery. He looks super weird.

I don't feel any more informed.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Even Seacrest Can't Ruin It

Idol is back.
Idol is back.
Idol is back!!!

I don't know what makes me happier: "Beauty and the Geek" or "American Idol". But does a girl really have to choose? And to think, Ashton Kutcher is behind one while Ryan Seacrest hosts the other. Two pretty boys in love with themselves. And neither of them takes anything away from the beauty of either show.

I'll even go as far as to say Ryan doesn't bug me. That's right. I think he's doing a fine job. I mean, lay off the guy! It's not HIS fault he has thirty jobs!! Hollywood LOVES him! He knows he needs to take everything he's offered because this is a fickle, fickle town my friend. And he is not the least bit offensive hosting "AI". Just back away slowly. Leave him alone. He has a hair dryer and he's not afraid to use it.

Some highlights from the show?
The Statue of Liberty!!
The Crazy Guy they LET GO TO HOLLYWOOD!
The guy from the small town who had his grandma with him? DID YOU SEE THAT? HE SINGS LIKE AN AUNTIE!!!!!
And, ladies and gentlemen...
Shmaris Shmilton!!!! She was the best. You know who I mean.

Now, "Beauty and the Geek". I implore you to watch this. I am literally on my knees begging. I didn't see any of season one. But I watched the first episode of season two, and I am not afraid to tell you... I cried. I did! It was PHENOMENAL!! That Ashton is doing something right. No wonder Demi loves him. He's sensitive. He wants the beautiful people and the smart people to understand each other. I LOVE IT! It's a lovely show. I'm not kidding! Just watch it! It encores Wednesday night!

Oh, and "Project Runway" is on fire.

I'm a sad, sad girl.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

I'm Back

So, I haven't written in 12 days because I've been busy putting on this charity event and I've been sick every other day.

The event was last night. Well, now it's technically Saturday, so it was two nights ago. It was pretty great. It was a comedy night to raise money for City of Hope, which is this amazing hospital and research center in Duarte, California. The line-up of comedians was insane!! I haven't laughed that hard...

But boy, was it stressful!!! That shit is HARD to do. But everyone had a great time, and gave the hospital lots of dough and I'll do it again next year, and probably every year for the rest of my life, until I've raised a million dollars for the City of Hope.

I know I have stories I could tell you, but I don't even know where to begin! So, I just wanted to tell you why I haven't been around. I'll tell you more shit this weekend. I'm still deliriously tired from the other night.

And there you have it. My lamest blog entry thus far. But at least I'm trying not to go a full two weeks without writing! I apologize.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Does This Mean Anything to ANYONE?

I was just in the shower washing the 2005 off of me, and this little ditty was in my head:

Buffalo swing set come as you are
Buffalo swing set come as you are
Buffalo swing set
Buffalo swing set
Buffalo swing set
Come as you are!

Now, I'm assuming I heard something at some point today that sounded like "Buffalo swing set", and then my mind turned it into that. But, I have no idea what I could have heard, or why it became what it did, or why I can't get it out of my head.

So, if you or someone you know has a band called "Buffalo Swing Set" or is from a planet called "Buffalo Swing Set" or named their first born, "Buffalo Swing Set"... Please have them contact me. I think it's imperative we talk.