Thursday, February 07, 2008

February 7th, 2008

After feeding Garrett this morning at 4:00AM, I put him back in his crib and went to bed to look at him on the monitor. He spent the next several minutes rubbing the soft material on his bumpers, then he flipped onto his stomach. Once there, he could no longer reach the bumper he was touching so he reached out with his other arm to try to touch the other bumper. No luck. He reached up to grab one of the animals on his mobile. Much too far away. Then he reached to his side, found his blankie, and held onto that. The point is, I'm watching him way too much on his monitor. The other point is, he's reaching out for everything now.

When he woke again at 7:00AM, I brought him into bed with me. After melting my cold, 7:00-in-the-morning heart with a gigantic smile, he looked toward the curtains which were open a bit. Sunlight was coming through and you know what he did? Reached for it. He wanted to touch that brightness so badly, and I realized another job of mine as a mother. I have to support him in his quest to touch the sunlight... and everything else he wants to accomplish. And I believe this kid can accomplish anything.

Right now though, it's just a lot of reaching. And that is more than enough for me.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

February 5th, 2008

It's becoming harder and harder to sit down and do this. Garrett demands a whole lot of attention and the second he closes his eyes to nap, I get as much accomplished as possible.

I have to tell you that this experience is remarkable. I can not believe how happy I am taking care of this little person. Waking up at 7:00AM is something I never wanted to do, nor did I think I could ever do it happily. When I see the smiling face of my son, I'm ready to face the day... Very happily.

There's so much to write about, it's hard to know where to start. There are changes in Garrett every single day and they boggle my mind. He's mesmerized with himself when he looks in the mirror. I'm not sure if he knows he's looking at himself or he thinks there's another baby in the room, but he furrows his brow, reaches out, and stares at himself endlessly. He grabs his feet and puts them in his mouth. He's able to walk if you hold him around the waist. Three days ago he had a problem standing in his exersaucer and he'd get very frustrated, but yesterday, he was able to stand and play for 20 minutes and was incredibly excited.

I can not explain the way I feel about this child. I love him more than I thought was possible and I know that's only going to get stronger. The truth is, I don't know how to explain these feelings I have. I used to want to smack people who said, "You won't understand until you have kids", but they were right. I just can't describe it. It's been more than 12 hours since I began this entry and I was with Garrett almost all of those 12 hours, and yet I can't wait to see him in the morning. I feel like such a sap when I stare at him and tell him how much he means to me. I used to think my mom was being so dramatic when she'd look at me with that "Mom Look", and I just know I'm going to always look at Garrett that way.

Listen, I know he's not always going to be this perfect little angel. I'm sure there will be many days where I want to scream at him or lock him in his room... But I just can't get over that he's my son, and I'm his mom. I'm his MOM! What the hell happened?

Anyway, I'm babbling and this is probably my most ill-constructed blog entry of all time. But that's because my brain is made of mush and I'm exhausted and in love. I'm sort of embarrassed to post this, but I'm going to do it anyway so you can see the kind of person I've become.

Oh, by the way, I'm also dealing with a lot of shit that I didn't even consider. Like, do I want to start supplementing with formula or keep breast feeding only? Do I need to get a nanny? When do I start baby-proofing? When do I start researching pre-schools? And it's only just begun. This is my life now. I'm officially a mom before anything else. Or maybe I'm a dork first, and THEN a mom.

Okay, now I'm going to bed.