28 Weeks

I guess there are certain things your ob/gyn waits to tell you until the last minute. But sometimes you have a casual conversation with someone at work who lets you in on secrets you might not be ready to hear yet. I had such a conversation at work on Friday and it involved two words I never knew I'd hear in the same sentence:

Mucus and Plug.

See, there's this woman at work who just had her third kid and she's in her early forties, beautiful, and seemingly very knowledgeable about all that is Baby. (She's also an example of how even a woman in her forties can have a kick-ass body just MONTHS after giving birth. For those of you keeping score, I am merely in my mid-thirties, so I can probably do it in minutes.)

Anyhoo... We were having one of our Baby Chats on Friday and I was telling her about my Braxton-Hicks contractions and about how hard Sesame is kicking and how wild it all is. And she said, "The weirdest thing is when your mucus plug comes out." At this point I had two options. One: I could say, "Oh yeah. Mucus plug. I've heard that's a trip." Or two: I could say, "WHAT THE FUCK IS A MUCUS PLUG???" I chose the latter reaction.

"Oh", says she, "Your doctor probably just hasn't told you yet. Your mucus plug basically holds everything in there. It comes out a couple days before you go into labor. I had no idea what it was when it happened to me the first time and it really freaked me out." REALLY? IT FREAKED YOU OUT? WHY WOULD SOMETHING LIKE A FREAKING MUCUS PLUG COMING OUT OF YOU FREAK YOU OUT?????????

Mucus plug. The name alone is enough to send me into an early labor. I'm gonna call it something else. Baby cork? Infant seal? Tot stopper? Let me try each of them in a sentence.

Goodness, it appears my baby cork fell out.
Well, look at that! My infant seal is in the toilet.
Finally! My tot stopper popped.

Okey Dokey! Tot stopper it is! So, now at least I know to look out for my tot stopper to come out sometime in August or September. Thank God someone warned me!

And now a totally unrelated word of advice:
Do NOT watch Style Network's new show "I Propose" if you are seven months pregnant and your emotional state is as weak as your bladder. You will waste a full hour of your life crying and snotting all over yourself.

27 Weeks, Thursday

151 pounds this morning.

I have barely slept in two nights due to leg cramping, leg soreness from cramping, a pulling in my stomach, the inability to get comfortable, needing to pee every three hours, and the inevitable brain-no-shut-off-so-I-can't-get-back-to-sleep-syndrome, also known as BNSOSICGBTSS. The result? I'm an irritable bitch and I hate it.

Our nursery furniture is ready for delivery! I was so excited when I heard because it wasn't technically supposed to be delivered for at least another four weeks. Then I realized the room is totally NOT ready for the furniture, so I had a mini breakdown. But we'll take care of it this weekend and we'll get the crib and bureau next week. And then I'll be excited again.

No other real news to report. I'm too bitchy to report it anyway.

Oh yeah. I figured out why people say pregnant women have a "glow" about them. It's because we can't freaking stop sweating. Ooh! Sesame just kicked. And again! See? It's all worth it. (But I'm still bitchy.)

27 Weeks, Tuesday

I don't want this to turn into a blog of complaints. It's just that there are so many hilarious things going on with my body that it SOUNDS like I'm complaining, when really I'm just trying to illuminate for you all that goes on during this magnificent time.

Yesterday I woke up at 8:00AM with the most horrific cramp in my left calf. I sat there with my leg up quietly saying, "Ow, ow, ow, ow..." until I made it loud enough to wake up Russ. "What's going on?" "My leg. It's cramping REALLY BAD!!" "Don't point your toe. Stop pointing your toe." "I'm trying!"

He then forced my foot back so that the muscle was being stretched and after a couple of minutes the pain subsided. But, HOLY CRAP that hurt!

When I logged on to my email, guess what was there? A message from Baby Center about leg cramps! It said that around this time you get cramping because of how the baby is sitting, the extra weight you're carrying, and the fact that it takes longer for the blood to pump from your legs to your heart. It said to drink a lot of water (which I do), and to walk (which I stopped), and to try to stay off your feet for long periods. It also said to have your husband push your foot back to stop the pain. Russ is good.

I immediately put on sweats and took Bogie for a mile-long walk. It felt really good, actually. I then drank a lot of water and proceeded to stay ON my feet all day cooking and doing stuff around the house. I couldn't help it! I needed to have food in the fridge, then dishes needed doing and laundry had to be done. Oh well.

So, this morning I woke up and could barely stand on my left leg because my calf is so sore. Of course, I can barely stand on my RIGHT leg because of my sciatic pain. You should have seen my walk to the bathroom. Hilarious!!

So now I'm going to drink some water, put on some sweats and try to work this pain out on a walk with Bogie. I will then attempt to stay off my feet as much as possible today. If you see a big girl hobbling from side to side with a dog that has to stop and pee at every tree in the neighborhood... Feel free to say hello.

27 Weeks, Sunday

You know how when you eat too much, your stomach gets distended and you have to unzip your pants and you feel like you're going to pop? Well, multiply that by ONE THOUSAND!!!!!

All of a sudden today, I am feeling this insane stretching and pulling. And it hurts. It feels like Sesame is bracing himself against my uterus and pushing against my stomach with all of his might. I picture him squinting and grinding his teeth as he uses his Herculean strength to make more room for himself. O.K., I know he has no teeth and that his eyes are barely starting to open, but it makes for a funny picture.

He's also decided to start kicking so hard that you can SEE the kicks. That is some crazy shit, my friend. But, back to the pain. I'm wondering if this is just a temporary growing pain, or if it's just going to get worse and worse as each month goes by. It seriously feels like my stomach is trying to separate from the rest of my body. It's trying to secede from the union, if you will.

It's kind of hurting my ribs, too. Not to mention the sciatic nerve pain I'm now feeling on a regular basis. I fear waddling around for the next few months, holding my stomach with one hand and my back with the other. In the Sunday morning cartoon of my life, this is not an image I want drawn.

I think I need to pop in the pre-natal yoga dvd my friend bought me three months ago. I should also resume the walking I abandoned a couple weeks ago. BUT IT HURTS!!

Alright, I'll stop complaining! I'm just trying to let you in on all the beauty that creating life entails. This is hard work, people! But fear not. I am still basking in the glow of all that is wonderful about this magnificent happening.

Oh, and the zits are back. I should mention that in the interest of full disclosure. I am being blessed with my second adolescence. But, not too worry. They are 84% coverable with M.A.C. Studio Fix and some Lorac concealer. Plus if I really gloss up the kisser, and push up the milkers, you barely even look at my right cheek.

Off to bed!

27 Weeks

Two things happened on Friday that I never thought I would see in my lifetime:
1: Bob Barker's last "The Price is Right" aired.
2: I became 27 weeks pregnant.

I wish I had some brilliant analogy about how "The Price is Right" is like pregnancy... but I don't. Oh wait! I just thought of something! Contestants do better on the show when they have the whole audience helping them, and supposedly parents do better when they have the help of their family and friends. You know... That whole "It takes a village" thing? How does that work?

I'll try again.

Pregnancy is like Plinko. Some days you feel great and other days your sciatic nerve hurts so badly, you want to punch someone. Either way, you have to let the chips fall where they may. See what I did there? Plinko? Chips falling? You have to be a "TPIR" fan to get it. And you have to be really lame to find it funny.

We bought an SUV yesterday. A small one. It doesn't get bad gas mileage. I mean, what's the point of shopping with canvas bags if I'm gonna drive a Hummer? Still, I never saw myself in one of these cars, especially since I've been driving the diminutive Beetle for five years. Russ and I walked out of the dealership feeling less jovial about buying the car, and more sore from being screwed by the salesmen. Those guys are a special breed. At one p0int, sitting directly in front of Blond Salesman and Middle Eastern Salesman, I looked at Russ and said, "My only goal at this point is to walk out of here not feeling totally screwed." Both salesmen laughed uncomfortably but knew I wasn't kidding. Anyway, we got the car. It kicks ass. We found out tonight it holds a ton of groceries in canvas bags. And it should be perfect for Sesame and all his gear.

Lastly, Russ and I are trying to get the guest room cleaned out so we can turn it into the nursery. Well, today we ended up going through a bunch of letters of mine from the late 80's and early 90's from my ex-boyfriends. It made me realize how different I am now than I was in my teens and twenties, and how grateful I am that I learned enough about life and myself to end up with someone like Russ, who is the only man on this planet I would want to procreate with.

This morning I was 150.4 pounds. That's the third thing I never thought I'd see in this lifetime: My weight over 150. It's a beautiful thing, isn't it?

26 Weeks, Wednesday

I've welcomed a new friend into my life. Actually, let me rephrase that. A stupid idiot has crashed my pregnancy party and he seems to want to stay for a while. His name is ACID REFLUX! It's just another normal symptom in this whole pregnancy game and it's my least favorite, second only to the nausea I felt for four months.

This sensation, for those of you who haven't felt it, is like lava coming up your esophagus and making you feel like you need to throw up. But you don't. You just sit there while the lava burns your insides. Every once and a while you burp, and it's the best burp you've ever had! You can't lie down, so you basically have to sleep propped up. It's a ton of fun!!

However, yesterday morning at 4:45 Sesame kicked on command! That's right! I woke up and felt a desperate need to feel him kick, so I tapped on my belly and said, "Hey, kid. Kick for me." AND HE DID! He kicked a few times right where I had tapped him! It was like "Close Encounters" or something! That was freaking awesome.

Last night at the "Cory" taping, I had to leave about an hour before the curtain call, after all my scenes were shot. Why? Well, I was sweating like a pig, and the acid reflux was coming on. I've NEVER left a show early! I just knew I had to get home to my Pepcid Complete before things got really bad. And they did. But I was home!

Still 149.6. And yet somehow my stomach seems way bigger than it did a few days ago.

26 Weeks

My dad had pretty serious surgery yesterday. He had his spleen removed. I don't want to write too much about it until I ask him if it's okay. But I'll tell you one cool thing relating to Sesame. I've been trying to get my folks to feel him kicking for a couple weeks but the timing is always off. My mom finally felt a kick Thursday night. Well, yesterday right as my dad was about to be wheeled into the O.R. Sesame started kicking. I grabbed my dad's hand and put it on my belly and Sesame gave him a couple good kicks. It made me so happy, I can't even tell you. They were definitely good luck kicks for Grandpa. Dad's in a lot of pain today but that's good because it means he's healing. The surgery went very well, thank you for asking.

149.6. That's how much I weigh this morning. Which means I've adorably gained the exactly one pound I'm supposed to gain each week. I apparently take direction very well.

25 Weeks, Thursday Morning

So, I weighed myself just now.
Still 148.6.
Even though I had a bagel with cream cheese AND a half a donut and fruit for breakfast at the table read yesterday. And that was after the bowl of cereal I had at home!!

It feels good to be honest. Now I need breakfast.

25 Weeks, Wednesday

Started back to work at "Cory in the House" today. I'm just doing a couple of episodes out of the first six back. It's silly how exhausting it is, sitting around all day doing basically nothing until you're called to the set for the ten minutes it takes to rehearse your scene. Silly stuff.

Sesame's been kicking a lot tonight. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but it is so reassuring when he's moving around in there. It makes me feel like everything is going well, and it reminds me to talk to him. "Hey, Kiddo. How you doing in there? Stay comfortable. You only have a few more months before you're out in this scary world!" Today I told him how many people are here waiting to love him... ALREADY loving him, as a matter of fact! Yesterday I think he got his elbow or foot stuck sticking straight out. It was pushing hard against my belly. After about a minute, I gently pushed it back in. That was freaking weird.

I have to remember to post my weight more often. I want to do it for two reasons: 1. I think it'll be fun for you to know how much I'm gaining. 2. I want you to personally hold me responsible for LOSING the weight after I give birth. I figure if I post my weight going up, I should also post it going down. We'll see how I actually feel about that when I'm going through it. It probably won't be as much fun as gaining the weight. Duh.

G'night!

Was This Really Necessary?

25 Weeks, Sunday Night

After watching "The Sopranos" with Russ over homemade pasta sauce and fusilli, I began to clean the kitchen. Everything seemed normal as I washed and dried the dishes and pots. Then I began to wipe down the counters. I was scrubbing with my left hand and with each wipe my shoulder clicked. I mean, it clicked LOUDLY! It almost sounded like a gun being cocked, but maybe that's just because I have Sopranos on the brain.

So I switched to my right arm, began scrubbing, and again CLICK, CLICK, CLICK. What the hell? Is it because my joints are loosening? Why doesn't anyone warn you about this shit? I mean, it's not like NO ONE has been pregnant before! MY SHOULDERS CLICK NOW!! And ironically, it's happening just as I'm really getting into the whole cleaning thing. I mean, I really like to clean now. The last thing I need is clicking shoulders!! Ah, so be it.

Saw "Knocked Up" today. Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. It was incredibly funny and charming and sweet. There were some scenes in there that really hit home with Russ and I. But even if you're not pregnant, and never plan to be, it's a very smart, funny flick. Go see it. And I'm not just saying that because Judd Apatow was nice to me when I interviewed him, or because I have a huge crush on Paul Rudd.

Only other news? I have a giant gut. In case I haven't mentioned it.

25 Weeks

I am going to tell you something that I don't normally tell people. Especially when I'm not pregnant. I'm going to tell you my weight.

I was 148.6 when I woke up this morning. HOLY CRAP!! That is a number that I NEVER thought I would want to see on the scale. EVER! And, you just know that number's only getting bigger over the next three months. Wow. I've officially gained 18 pounds. (If you're brilliant at math, you now know how much I weighed before the pregnancy). Now, here's the weird part: I love it! I mean, it's weird, and my center of gravity is off, and I have back pains and odd pulling-pains and my legs are kind of fat and my arms are kind of fat... But for the first time in my life, I'm letting myself enjoy some extra poundage.

Obviously I'm aware that's it's not permanent (unless I'm really lazy after the birth). And I know that all this extra weight is for the express purpose of creating a healthy baby. And obviously that is why I'm taking it so well. But give me a break! I'm a body-obsessed idiot and, at least for these nine or ten months, I'm a BABY-obsessed idiot who is loving her pregnant body!

On to other topics.

I've got lists of things coming up: I've got to finish registering, fix up my car to sell, buy a new car, buy my car seat to get it fitted into my new car, have my blood glucose screening to see if I have gestational diabetes, clean out the garage to store stuff from the guest room, turn the guest room into the nursery, book appointments with pediatricians, etc. etc. You should see the lists all over my desk! It's hysterical.

Here's the best news for anyone that's actually enjoying these entries:

BIRTHING CLASSES START IN MID-JULY!! Oh, I bet I'm going to have stories for you! All I know is, Russ and I are showing up with two pillows and a blanket and we're going to learn about birthing babies!! And there will be other couples there!! Hopefully, for the sake of this blog, at least one or two of the other couples will be really dumb. Dumber than me, even!

Other than that, I start back on "Cory in the House" next week. This will be my first work experience with a basketball-sized gut. It should be interesting. I can't wait to see how they hide it, which they're doing because single women on Disney shows can not all of a sudden become pregnant. That would scar children for life... Probably even more than the death of Bambi's mom.

If this entry seemed a little "all over the place"... OH WELL! I'm pregnant!! Cut a girl some slack!! Oh, and thank you for reading.